In marriage therapy, we talked a lot about the difference between hurt and harm. How something can be painful but in the long run good for you. Getting a cavity filled was her example. It hurts, but it's not harming you.
My husband didn't understand that. He reacted to everything, hurt or harm, the same way. He said that way of thinking was ridiculous and excused people from hurting each other's feelings.
I am glad I learned this difference – not that I didn't know it, but I'm glad she taught me how to articulate it.
Talking with your partner about something you don't like can be uncomfortable for them, but you're not harming the relationship.
This is important in the world too. Things our parents do when we are children might hurt us but not harm us. Grounding us or spanking us might hurt emotionally or physically, but it's to a good purpose – discipline. Being disciplined hurts, but it's usually not harmful if it's done correctly.
Getting a bad grade in school that you earned by not working hard can hurt your chances of getting into the Honors society or a college you'd like to go to, but it isn't harmful because you're learning your limitations. Just how far can you go without trying? That's something you need to know.
I tried to make sure that if I needed to do something that hurt my partner, I never did anything to harm them. I know that talking about certain things might be painful, but that in the long run it could help.
It's difficult to have people who don't understand this in my life – especially after everything that happened, I had to make sure I was with someone who knows that discomfort is part of life, and that being complained about is something that just happens.
I needed to get away from people who are retaliatory. Who react first and think later. Who don't give the benefit of the doubt. Who are not understanding.
But I think it's important for us as humans to remember that the difference between hurt and harm is time and sacrifice. I am sacrificing a little bit of happiness right now so that the circumstance I'm in can survive. Same thing with meetings with your boss or teachers. We need to talk this through now so that it doesn't bite us later.
Some people don't understand or agree with that, I guess. And maybe that's okay for some people. But there's a big difference between hurt and harm. If we don't know this, we'll never be able to accept constructive criticism. We'll never be able to allow others to help us better ourselves. We'll never let go of our ego, and we'll see attackers everywhere.