My last post was sort of hard to write without some personal details, so I thought I'd go over my relationship status/history so you know where I'm coming from and where I plan to be headed.
I married a really awful man – you know, like you do – and stayed with him much longer than I had to because I was scared to leave and wanted my father to see that my vows meant more than my mothers had.
How do you marry a really awful man? Couldn't you tell he was awful when you met him?
Hmm. No. I couldn't tell he was anything when I met him. I was just a kid.
It started with the shouting. I don't really like people who shout or raise voices. I asked him to stop shouting when he didn't like something. He asked me to stop interrupting him when he was shouting.
That was the past 6 years for me. Because he said no, and so did I, so he yelled louder, and I did everything I could think of to make him stop.
Obviously everything was much more complicated than that, but every fight ended up about that. If he didn't like something (usually that something was that I didn't like something) he'd start yelling. When he started yelling, I begged him to stop. Then I left.
Divorce was tough for me. I planned on for life. But he'd made it clear so many times that I was the only one willing to meet him halfway.
Once, to try to fix our marriage, I showed up at his apartment randomly with all his favorite snacks, I gave him a massage, we watched his favorite show, and slept together for the first time in months. He asked what he could do for me, and I said well, I used to wish you'd hang out at cafes with me more. That's where I'm headed now – want to come with? Sure he goes, I'm right behind you.
Never showed up. It was pretty much over that day. But I dragged it out as long as I could after that.
I had been moved out for almost a year and a half when he disappeared. We had a huge fight a few days after my birthday. He vanished for two weeks.
I decided it was going to end now, and I ended it then.
When I was with him, I wasn't allowed to ask rhetorical questions, or keep my tea set on my desk, or use the wrong color towel. I wasn't allowed to talk about certain subjects or use certain kinds of logic in my discussions. I wasn't allowed to tell him I didn't like something in a certain way. I wasn't allowed to ask for sex if I didn't want a huge fight. I wasn't allowed to talk sometimes. I wasn't allowed to ask the same question twice at different times, and if I did, and the answers were different, I wasn't allowed to ask which one was the truth.
I wasn't allowed to “bring up the past” except that meant I wasn't allowed to ask his opinion on anything that hadn't happened within 5 minutes. I wasn't allowed to talk about anything we had discussed in marriage counseling.
It's been seven months now :) I met this really nice man and we've been together for most of that seven months. I didn't know this kind of life could be mine.
He doesn't mind if I keep my tea set on my desk, or if I ask rhetorical questions, or if I want to go to the same restaurant all the time. He's the kind of guy who inspires me to be better, the kind I don't really deserve but I'm going to try to.
We're moving in next month ^–^
So I'm writing all this down so you have a little more context with me, especially while I write about the relationships between men and women. Also, because the things I want out of men, as a Conservative, aren't what most girls are looking for. When I met my boyfriend, he wasn't really comfortable being super forward about things, but that's what I was looking for. I was just looking for someone who would finally just fight for me.
But it's hard for men these days to fight to win someone over, because if they do it wrong – and in some cases, even if they do it right – they can get their lives ruined.
We're making men feel unsafe.
But I wanted to communicate to you guys that I know what it's like to be wanted the wrong way, and I'm starting to learn what it's like to be wanted the right way – and one way might be more dangerous, more thrilling, more scary and daring, but the other is the only way to being happy.