ConZervative

There's a guy on the train with me tonight, sitting across from me at the table where people can have their laptops. He's seriously obnoxious.

When I get on the train and sit next to/across from someone, I usually ask if they mind if I sit with them. They usually say no but smile at the gesture. Now not everyone does this, but most people have some form of verbal or non-verbal greeting to reassure the other person that they're friendly/nonthreatening.

This guy just plops himself right in the middle of the three-seater talking as loudly as he likes on his phone. No eye contact, but immediately starts eyeing my laptop, my phone, my ticket, everything I've brought.

I also keep in mind that sharing a table with someone means that we split the table in half evenly. This guy has his laptop smack dab in the middle of the table, jutting out into my imaginary space. He also continues glancing over at everyone else's spaces to see what they're doing while tilting his work away from everyone else like he's paranoid. He has no sense of respecting people's space and privacy.

I continue to be reminded that there are people who are not conscientious.

My last post was a lot about the trait of agreeableness, but conscientiousness is also huge. It's probably the trait I would use to describe myself if I needed to use one word.

It's loosely described as industriousness and orderliness combined. It sort of means knowing what one ought to be doing. Having a sense of “ought” at all. It's often congruous with having a care for how one interacts with others and understanding that your actions have rippling effects.

I guess I think of it as how strong your connection is to the rest of the human race.

Conscientiousness is an indicator of conservatism (consequently, openness is an indicator of liberalism). I am extremely conscientious but I'm working on my openness.

Everyone's laptops on this table are straight and in their space. His is crooked and tilted and encroaching on my space. He keeps shifting from one end of the table the other, taking up the whole seat with his legs. He's pretty big, too. Not particularly attractive. I think he's rich.

Oh. He moved when the person at the other table left. It was just us at this table, and he took his first opportunity to move. I'm crying. Not a hundred percent sure why. I guess that hurt. I did my hair and my makeup today, but this guy would rather sit at a smaller table than the one with me.

Maybe he just likes having his own.

Maybe he thought I wanted more space. Maybe he could tell I didn't like him somehow. I guess moving is the grown up way to settle those differences. Maybe he can read minds.

Oh well. My feet are up on his seat now. Who cares.

My last post was about personality traits and how they affected my current relationship – I'll spare you a further rant about how they ended my last one.

But this subject ties into one I've talked about on occasion here, about the differences between men and women. A lot of it comes from where we tend to fall naturally on these spectra.

Women are typically higher in Agreeableness – that's the personality trait I believe has the most impact on us in the working world. A lot of what current feminists think about the unfairness of the world relates to how we are treated/act in the workplace.

So what does it look like when you're much more agreeable than your male counterparts?

You will tend to be less assertive in taking credit for hard work you contributed to, less commanding in respect from your peers, and less likely to ask for a raise/promotion.

All these things combined are a huge factor in the earnings gap. Women are willing to put in a lot more effort for less reward because they tend to be on the more agreeable side. Men are typically more assertive and less compromising. Obviously these have downsides in areas outside the workforce, but it's natural.

Professor Peterson spoke in his interview with Cathy Newman (the first woman in existence to manage making a British accent sound stupid) about how when he sees women in his practice who are struggling at work, he will work with them on assertiveness training. How to get that promotion, how to score that raise or that deal.

Of course, Cathy's response summed up was something like BUt WOmeN ShOULdn'T hAVe tO WORk haRDer juST BECauSe we'RE nOT As GOoD aT SomETHIng

The way he explains it – and this makes so much sense, especially now that I've been in the professional world so long-

More masculine personality traits dictate success in the workplace, as more feminine personality traits dictate success in areas like school and home

The corporate world as it is rewards masculine behaviors – a go get it attitude – more than feminine behaviors such as compassion and empathy and agreeableness. Companies that are founded on these principles tend not to succeed. They pay their employees too much and give away too much product, they're too kind to their workers and lack the authority to put rules in place.

I worked for such a company when I was younger, it was a multi-tiered organization for charity and it had a thrift shop built into it as the source of revenue. It was a mostly female staff and the bosses couldn't control their people, they would put niceness first and screw the rest of us over – there was no accountability and I eventually left because of the bad business practices.

Male-driven companies (or at least, companies driven by masculine traits) are more organized, hold their people accountable, and put the company first.

Agreeableness serves us well in other areas of life like raising children. You need patience, empathy, and kindness to raise good children. Masculine traits are important to hand over as well, but they're not in themselves good tactics.

This is only one example of the repercussions of having the two genders differ in one count of personality. But people won't even listen to the fact that the genders differ at all.

I want to talk to you guys about personalities and personality traits. I don't think I ever mentioned that I met my boyfriend on Ok Cupid, right? Okay well, that happened. So on my introduction page, I talked about where I am in the 5 axioms of personality (as we understand them today and as Professor Peterson explains them in his lectures). I thought putting it there would serve two purposes: to accurately describe my personality, and to attract men who are somewhat literate (and subsequently repel men who couldn't understand the concept).

Obviously it worked. My boyfriend isn't actually very interested in this stuff, but it's one of my favorite topics.

So the five axioms of personality are Openness, Conscientiousness, Agreeableness, Neuroticism, and Extroversion. They have opposites, but the idea is that you fall somewhere on the Openness spectrum, somewhere on the Agreeableness spectrum, etc.

And you do. So do I, and I talked about this in my intro. I am high in Conscientiousness (I tend to be aware of the comfort of those around me, and I am industrious) and Agreeableness (I am generally more submissive and willing to take one for the team even if I am uncomfortable). I am low in Openness (I am slow to try new things and get out of my comfort zone, although this has been improving since I got out of high school and into the workforce). I am also low in Extroversion (spending time with people drains my energy) and medium range in Neuroticism (I find myself plagued on occasion with negative emotions and sometimes get into a rut).

There are a few amazing lectures on Professor Peterson's YouTube on compatibility and how it relates to all these axioms. I found them really interesting and studied them carefully.

I think it paid off, because my boyfriend and I are compatible beyond belief – I don't know how much of that is due to me being careful to choose conscientious, slightly less agreeable than me men, or how much is due to Ok Cupid telling me he and I were 91% compatible in basically every area of life.

Either way, we're 91% compatible in almost every area of life, and it seriously shows. We like the same genres of movies (although he's showing me anime and I'm showing him arrowverse) but we're just different enough to have plenty of things to show each other that we hadn't seen/heard about. We tend to like the same food but we both have plenty of restaurants to show each other. We have a pretty much identical ideal for how much time we should spend together as the relationship moves forward and what we want to do with that time (we don't have to argue that we want to go out one day, stay in the next – it feels like it just all happens naturally). We have the same timetable for relationship goals – i.e, when we start meeting family members, when we start staying over each other's places, when we give someone a drawer, when we'd like to get a place together (although these things aren't spoken and just happen naturally).

We have the same opinions on health and wellness, we have the same ideas about recreation and how we spend our free time, we have just about the same sex drive and a lot of similar preferences for how that goes, but we're always showing each other new things and trying out something fresh.

We have the same senses of decency, about how it's okay to behave in public – he never embarrasses me, he doesn't draw unnecessary attention to me, he doesn't make fun of me in front of people or tease me too often (although we tease sometimes).

Our fights consist of pathetic squabbles where one of us says something sad and then the other one is sad and then we cry and maybe get confused for a little while.

It seems like we have the same priorities. It's like we just want the same kind of life.

I'm reminded of this constantly throughout the day and have been hoping to write about it, because still after almost 8 months it's unfathomable. I don't think everything was fireworks and spectacles (although there were plenty of those) when we met, we just fell into this relationship so naturally, it fit like a glove. When I talk about him to my friends and family it's not that I gush about how he would DIE for me, MOVE MOUNTAINS for me – it's just that we work. We're compatible.

And I think a lot about the personality traits that allow that, and I wonder, if more people knew where they stood, would they have an easier time putting together an ideal for a good partner?

I'm at a really cool cafe having an adult milkshake. I tried adult milkshakes a few years ago and they're just so my thing.

This one's pretty strong, so now must be a good time to work on my blog, right?

I had a really perfect last few days at work, and I have tomorrow off, so it's been a really good week. Also, it's Monday. I also went through and read my blog up until now – it's not what I thought it would be but I'm impressed with myself and how I've kept up with it, and how I write.

Everyone has told me I am a good writer always, although I never had any idea what that meant and still don't. I write like I talk, and no one has ever said I'm a good talker – on the contrary. My ex told me I was retarded and impossible to converse with. Ha.

I also checked my stats for this blog, something I wasn't planning on doing. I think I have readers O.o

Hi! I didn't know if this would actually be something people like. But I mean I'm glad.

I have wanted to do something like this for years, ever since my life started falling apart and I needed something to keep me consistent. I like having a place to write about things I don't understand, or people who say things that sound silly to me but I want to keep my job so I don't say that.

Peterson says it's best to tell the truth in life, or at least not to lie. I like this. It's good that people have recognized the value of truth. But how can I move through life telling the truth? How are you supposed to do that?

I have been practicing saying what I think at work, because he says after it gets worse, it gets much better. You lose your soul when you lie, he says. I know this is true. You can feel yourself slipping away when you say something you don't believe. You can feel the incongruity of it all and you feel that you are less connected.

I try not to lie if I can help it. Sometimes I find myself telling little lies for no reason, by habit, and then feeling awful about them but not wanting to bring them up because then it would look like it was a big deal. Like the age of your ex or how you got fired from your last job, or how much you weigh. Like why would you lie about that? But it would only bring more attention to it if you fixed it with the person you lied to. You know?

That happens to me sometimes. I don't really lie about anything important to anyone. But when I do, I'm too good at it. I have made the people closest to me believe I have tells. On purpose. So that I have a tell when I tell a lie that I want them to know is a lie. But when I lie for real, I really lie. No one can ever tell unless I want them to. It scares me sometimes. I'll think about a lie I might tell, and I get scared because I know no one would ever know. The damage that could do.

So I overcompensate and I say too much truth. I tell people things they wouldn't want to know. I tell people things they wish they could un-know. I take away my own opportunities to lie. I say things that are so starkly true and exact that now I cannot lie about them later.

I sense that I would be excellent at manipulating people. I sense that it is the same gift that makes me excellent at salesmanship. At communicating with someone's inner voices, not their outer ones. That's all it really is. I don't need you to believe you need this thing. I need your mind to believe it.

I want to use it for good. I know many people don't, and don't even know the difference.

When I'm thinking of lying, I truth as hard as I can. I dig my heels in. I wrap an arm around my neck. I hold myself there, and open my mouth, and say anything I can but the lie – even if the truth is worse. I say something so truthful it feels like I'm taking a piece of my own soul and holding it up as a shield.

I'm trying to write a blog about everything that's happened to me, and who I am now because of it, but the biggest thing that ever happened to me – the worst thing that ever happened to me, consequently – was my ex-husband, so he is inevitably woven into everything I believe. He's a piece of everything I detest and I'm convinced that at least half of my personality is in spite of him.

I have begun understand why people who were married tend to go be with someone who was married. Even my older coworkers can't comprehend most of what I tell them. Even those who have been with someone for years. The repercussions. It's inconceivable and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, but anyone who has never had to grieve this way would never be able to understand. Why the feeling of not ever being good enough will never really leave me.

Never get married. And if you do, never get divorced. If you don't get divorced, you won't go looking for the love of your life. And they'll never get the chance to wonder why you have such terrible nightmares, and why you will always hesitate, and why you believe the world had a plan for you and you fought against it and you wonder if that makes you reprehensible because shouldn't you have just been grateful for your plan when plenty of people have horrible plans? And you won't spend the rest of your life truly believing you're hurting them every moment they're with you because don't they deserve someone who would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS leave the one they love? No matter what? Won't you vow that to them again someday if everything goes to plan? How will they believe you? How could you ever make those vows again now knowing how fragile they are and that no one means them and especially not you because you broke them once and you know that once you break something it's easier to break it over and over again? How could you risk it again? How could you ever have children? How could you have more? How could you risk being such a monster but putting their lives in your hands?

That's how it feels on the bad nights. Like my path was miserable and dire and there was no hope at the end of it, but it was straight, and I could see the end of it because it was all one direction. Every night was the same. Every morning. Every waking hour. It was downwards, and darker the further you went, and there was nothing good anywhere along it; it was my path. Now I am on a new path, and it's happy and full of life and light. But it twists and turns and goes upside down and through portals, and everything I see is new and amazing and fun, dazzling, and there's no telling where it ends.

So I live at home with my grandparents. I don't think I've mentioned that. It's the big family home where they and my dad live, and my sister when she comes home from college. My grandmother likes to buy expensive laundry machines and not let us do our own laundry. Super controlling person. I love her to death but she follows you around the house and offers you money like she thinks you don't have a job.

So sometimes my sister's laundry gets mixed up with mine, and it takes trying to fit those jeans on to realize it – she's always been smaller than me. I think we're both pretty but she's definitely the more mainstream version.

The other day I was going to get my jeans on and I realized they were my sister's, but I also realized that they were going on.

So like I've told you I'm not like fat or anything, I just have some extra padding – and most of it is in places I'm totally cool with. Like I outgrew my Triple D bras, but I can still wear form fitted jackets. Like I like how I look. But I've always wanted to get back to around 155 lbs. I weighed that much one summer and I felt really great about myself.

I'm only maybe 15, 20 lbs off that anyway so I'm pretty close. When I lived at home with my husband, I stress ate so much that I was constantly way heavier than I liked, but there weren't a lot of opportunities to talk about health considering the circumstances.

When I left and started going out with my boyfriend, all that weight started dropping off. Slowly but surely. My dad even noticed. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I see that my face isn't as round and it's getting a little more angular. Just a little bit.

And a couple days ago I fit into my sister's jeans. I mean I've tried getting them on before, but they never went over my hips. This time not only could I get them over my hips, they buttoned. I mean they were tight but they went on.

I'm really happy :) I've wanted to lose weight for a while, and I knew in my heart it wasn't my diet it was the stress. Not that I had it as bad as some people – I mean there was a lot that could have gone worse, and I need to remember that – but it was bad.

I'm keeping the jeans.

In the spirit of weight loss, I wanted to talk more about appearances. I did my makeup on the train today and I don't get a lot of strange looks like I might have when I was younger. But I was thinking about cosmetics and the beauty industry in general, and how when I was younger my family used to point out girls who wore makeup and shame them or say that they lacked confidence.

In retrospect, this was horrible.

I wear makeup for numerous reasons and I'm pretty sure I've gone over it, but just so you know; ever since I was little, I have been picking at my face. At first it was just a fascination with blackheads and I wanted them to be gone, so I would sit in front of the mirror for ages – sometimes an hour at a time – tearing holes in my face. When I was a kid I didn't realize what was happening, I just knew that it made me feel better. Everyone told me that this would only make my face worse, but I didn't see how that could be.

Fast forward ten years and I still pick, although a lot less frequently. It's a momentum thing – once I get going, I can't stop. But once I'm stopped, I can keep myself from going. I've tried everything but drugging myself, which everyone in my life says is a good idea. Maybe it's the fact that my brother killed himself that makes me unlikely to ever want to take meds. Even for a headache, I always try to figure out why it's happening and fix the dehydration or hunger or aching.

When I discovered skincare, that started to help with my problem, but I noticed that no matter how good I was, the picking was what set me back. When I discovered cosmetics, I saw it as a tool to keep me from picking.

See, with a moisturizer, it'll settle into your skin and you can forget it's there. But with foundation, if you put your hand on your face it comes away creamy and then you've made a hand print on your skin where everyone can see. So I treat my skin with my serum, and then I wear cosmetics to make sure I don't touch it.

I also wear cosmetics because they make me prettier. Newsflash; cosmetics make you prettier. Unless you do them very wrong. Boys will say they prefer girls without makeup, but that typically means that they have too many exes who wore it and those bitches be crazy. Or they found them too vain. Or the girls didn't know the time and place for makeup and wore it always and it got in the way or all over the pillowcase.

It usually doesn't mean that they find girls who wear makeup uglier. Unless of course you're bad at it. Then you can look way uglier.

So my ex husband for example talked a lot about how he hated girls who wore makeup. When I started wearing makeup, he told me that the way I did it, he didn't mind so much. Right. Which means he's not against it in principal, he just had exes with poor execution.

My boyfriend always said he didn't mind it at all but didn't prefer it. Like he could go either way, and he likes it when I get all dolled up but it doesn't have to be a constant thing and he still thinks I'm pretty without it. I mean I'm okay looking without it. Like most guys would probably say a 5, 6 for my face. Including body I could be a 6 or a 7. And when I do my makeup and get dressed up I've hit 8, 8.5.

Objective here. I am familiar with beauty standards and know where I stand in relation to them. I really like these numbers. Statistically, I am above average, and that's the only place I like to make sure I exist.

My mother used to say that girls who wear makeup are insecure. Okay, maybe. I don't know that being insecure about your flaws is necessarily the end all of evil. It's good to recognize where improvements can be made. Honestly, the whole self-esteem movement of the 90's and 2000's seems pretty silly to me. Self-esteem isn't what we should be reaching for. Being aware of our faults and where we can better ourselves is far more valuable.

I think that's what I'll talk about next. The whole self-esteem thing.

Hi guys – things are better at work, which subsequently means I have less to vent about on here. My fingers aren't flying like they were last week. The girl giving me trouble has been taken care of apparently. We're cordial. I think she is just too young.

I had my first interview by myself yesterday – the girl was great, I hired her.

I have a lot of amazing new responsibilities. My manager really listens to what I suggest – I guess being an ASM has some really cool benefits.

I'm spending the night with my boyfriend but I have some time on the train to write and think.

Today we spoke briefly about an employee that hadn't worked for our company for a while, who had visited briefly. The girls rolled their eyes when she was brought up, so I asked what that was about.

They told me she was a homeless person who used to work there, which was fine, except she was homeless by choice. She had lots of family who offered to house her, but she lived in a shelter with her daughter instead. They paid for everything and she qualified for all sorts of programs that paid for everything for her and her daughter. She lived in this fancy apartment and only paid maybe a hundred a month, and would flaunt it like she was smart. She would go out on shopping sprees with all sorts of cash all the time. She came in and spent a ton of cash, while her 2-year-old sat in the stroller on her phone. On her phone. I said that.

I think people like that are morally reprehensible, and that reprehensibility is many-layered.

I'm sure you see what I'm saying. I think she's reprehensible for taking money she didn't earn. I think she's reprehensible for taking that money instead of moving aside for someone else who really needs it. I think she's reprehensible for teaching her that taking money for doing nothing is a viable way of life. I think she's reprehensible for bragging about her situation that many people would gladly trade for a full-time job.

I liked that the girls I worked with also saw this reprehensibility. I'm glad there are people in my generation who genuinely don't want that.

This topic led us to talking about horrible coworkers, and they brought up another girl who had seemed fine when she was hired, but after she was promoted to keyholder started talking to my boss about “White Women in Power.” Another useless, racist slogan used by Postmodernists to try and undermine certain groups of people.

White Women in Power. Just read that again. One more time.

I'm a white woman. I'm not exactly in power, although I have a good job and I can sort of support myself sort of. I get all the jobs I interview for, although it's not because I'm white – it's because I know how to present myself and how to talk about myself, and I know to show up ten minutes early in a business casual outfit and I know how to pretend I specifically want to work for this company. I know how to summon my mother's phone call voice and I know how to sound like a people person even though I'm not.

AND I know how to carry all this over after I get the job.

Unless you're claiming that I know these things because I'm white – statistically not likely – I don't see how White Women in Power has anything to do with retail.

I talked a little about statistical differences between white and black people being raised in the U.S.A – that because I'm white I'm more likely to grow up with two parents in my life, and that children who grow up with two parents in the household are typically better adjusted mentally and emotionally. The fact that my family had two parents meant I was more likely to be above the poverty line, which meant I was more likely to receive a better education.

Let's pause for a moment.

Remember how in the Bible, after Adam and Eve eat of the fruit of the tree of good and evil, God talks about all the consequences? Like that childbirth will be painful? Adam will have to toil in the soil on the earth.

It's connected to the idea that God punishes your children for your decisions. When I was a kid, this seemed unfair. Like a whole lot of unfair. If God is all-powerful, and all-knowing, can't he just make it so that I never have to pay for the sins of my father?

Reading Peterson has helped me understand – or perhaps understand – that maybe it is the reverse. Maybe God didn't decree that Adam would be miserable, or that Eve would always be beholden to her husband. Maybe He was issuing a warning. Maybe He was preparing them.

My marriage threw this into the spotlight because I was married to a man who didn't understand what the difference is between a punishment and a consequence. You yell a lot, so that I don't want to talk to you anymore. I don't not talk to you to punish you – it's because you offer me nothing in the way of conversation. I don't want to go on dates with you because you are obnoxious and embarrass me in public. I don't want to have children with you because last time we fought you told me it would be the worst thing you can think of doing with me.

I'm human. I react to things in a way that my instincts believe will protect me. Sure, because we're together I may decide to act against my better judgement to try and save the relationship.... but not for long.

I understood this as a happy consequence of wanting to leave. Now, I go through life meeting people who believe that everything bad that happens to them is the result of someone else. It's all a punishment, inflicted by the world. It's never just a consequence of your actions.

You left your children. But it's white people's fault that they didn't get great education. You have six kids with different dads. But it's the government's fault you can't feed them. It's not just that you are unwise. It's not just that you strayed.

I think this is the root cause of all conflict between human beings. Not being able to see the difference between something inflicted on you, and something you inflicted on yourself. Not wanting to take personal responsibility. Not wanting to let yourself think you messed up.

But once you do, the world opens up for you. Once you recognize the difference, everything becomes clearer. You now have power. You have a say.

In a world where everyone wants a say, you'd think more people would be itching to take one.

There was a post on Facebook a few months ago, back when I had a Facebook (I disabled my account because it was taking up too much of my time) about a woman's perspective of a little boy asking a girl to be his girlfriend.

The little boy (from the story it sounded like early teenager/tween/ish) asked the girl to be his girlfriend and she said no.

“What are you going to do now?” the woman asked him.

“I'm going to keep trying!”

“NO!” the woman scolded him. “NOW YOU LEAVE THAT LITTLE GIRL ALONE.”

This really hurts me to hear about. The person who posted it was genuinely disgusted at the boy's inability to allow someone to say “no” to him.

If a boy asked me out and I said no and he immediately said “okay” and never pursued it again, I'd assume he wasn't all that interested. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I'd much rather be courted than propositioned. By the way women turn men down to see how they'd react, it seems like that instinct is pretty prevalent.

If you're telling boys not to court women, simply to proposition them and then walk away and try for the next best thing, you'll have men who believe no woman wants them, and you'll have those same women believing those same men don't really want them that much.

Yeah there's a difference between trying to court a woman and, say, stalking her, harassing her, but a lot of this has to do with the woman – and a lot of what it has to do with the woman depends on the attractiveness of the man. Which is shallow but natural.

If I'm mostly a typical girl – and I like to think I am – I don't like to be courted by ugly/financially unstable/flighty men. It signals to me that I'm even less desirable, since men tend to pursue women who are below them on ladders. I like to be courted by attractive men who have their shit together. Not because I think I deserve one – because I know I don't. Because they're of a higher status.

Like my boyfriend right now. Higher status. Older. Makes more money. Crazy hot. Hi babe.

I don't want to be courted half-heartedly. I don't want to be courted by a man who is going to change his mind. I don't want to be courted by someone who can just be told “no” – specifically in the language of affection. Of course I want a man who can be told “no” in the sense of physical intimacy.

But do I?

No. Not really, no. Never did.

It's possible that this example was just to be used when it came to kids. And sure, if a little girl is telling a little boy no and he's not getting the picture, that's not cool. But it seems to me that these examples are meant to be carried out into the future. It seems like they're trying to tell boys not to pursue girls.

I speak from experience when I say; relationships where the girl has to pursue and do the hard work of courting are not fun. And not because it's hard work.

I always had to do the hard work with my ex husband. If I didn't call him, we didn't talk. If I didn't arrange it, we didn't spend time together. For him, all that was a nuisance.

How did that feel? How else could it feel. It felt like he didn't want me. I don't think he really did.

I don't know if men feel that way when they court women, but I don't think so. My relationship now is mostly him doing the asking, and that's fine with me because I feel really wanted. Like I feel actually wanted. He doesn't seem to mind, and I think it's because he just likes that I say yes. If we get together, most of the time it's because he asked me to come over, or he invited me out, or he asked to spend time together.

I'm really happy. I don't talk about much else unless I'm at work.

I don't think men should stop pursuing women. I think maybe there's an opportunity to talk about what pursuit is vs harassment.

I don't think asking a girl out multiple times is the wrong way to pursue her. I mean, if you're having to do it too many times, you might try working on the undesirable parts of you and let that help.

I don't think it's wrong to pay girls compliments (needs a whole chapter IMO). I like getting them. Unless you're ugly. #sorrynotsorry (OMG my first ever hashtag!)

I don't think it's wrong to pursue physical attention/go in for a kiss/ask for a dance/make it obvious you're wanting to be handsy.

I don't think it's wrong to find out things about a girl and try to impress her in those areas.

I think it's definitely not okay to follow her outside of the areas you both inhabit (school, work, etc.). I think it's definitely not okay to try to dig up personal info on her without her knowing and use that to contact her. I think it's definitely not okay to knowingly lie to her to make her more susceptible, or rape her (just trying to come up with the stuff I would not want someone to do if they wanted to go out with me and I was turning them down).

I wouldn't want someone to ask more than a couple times without making substantial changes to whatever they did wrong the first time.

I feel like everything else is fair game.

“Flowers, chocolates, promises you don't intend to keep.”

I talked to my boss today, about everything that happened when she was gone. We hired a bunch of new girls who are going to start next week, and I'm so excited because my boss wants me to spearhead training!

That's what's new with me. It looks like this job will be fine – I was so close to quitting because of how that one girl was treating me, but I went over it all with my boss. She's not cool with it either. I even showed her that awful text – did I tell you guys all about the drama?

You're not here for that.

Let's talk a little bit more about looks. I remembered something last night, when I was getting ready for a date (my boyfriend took me out to see a DragonBallZ movie and it was so much fun). I got all dressed up and wore a hot dress and did my hair, and I looked great and felt great.

While I was prepping, I had a memory of one of the first dates I went on with my boyfriend, and how I was getting ready. I went to ask my dad if I looked okay, because I think I was wearing a dress for the first time in a long time. He said I looked lovely, and I must have seemed too happy. He kind of got up out of his chair and paused his video and walked in my direction like he was getting ready to say something he hoped I already knew.

“You know, you don't have to go all out like that.”

I kind of looked at my dad for a minute just hearing the words.

I know, I told him. But I like to get all dressed up. And my boyfriend puts so much effort into looking great, and shaves every time I go to see him no matter what, and drives a while to see me, and I just want to make sure I'm putting in as much effort as I can, because so does he.

He stopped and realized what I was trying to say, and I saw that it clicked. I wasn't putting a ton of effort into looking nice because I didn't think I already looked nice, or because I felt obligated, or because of muh patriarchy. I was doing it because I loved how I looked, and it made me feel great, and because my boyfriend is GORGEOUS and I want to put in effort for him like he does for me.

Dad respected me a lot more after that, about all the makeup and the face masks and the serums and the money and time I put into it.

I happen to know that I'm pretty without all that stuff, maybe nothing striking, but enough. And when I do my hair and get my face all done and put on a hot dress, I'm striking. And I want to feel that sometimes.

I haven't really talked about it much because – well there's nothing to fix with my boyfriend, and it feels wrong to put him here in my list of things I hate about the world and people. But he's gorgeous. Like he's just exactly the kind of good looking I didn't know I needed. Plus, he's kinda out of my league in every other possible way you can like ever imagine. And I'm trying to do everything I can to grow out of never having grown at all.

So – I wear makeup :) And then sometimes I don't. And sometimes I wear something hot, and sometimes I don't. And sometimes I order a salad, and sometimes (most of the time) I don't.

What I can say, I was the hottest girl in that theater last night (pretty sure I was also the only girl in that theater last night, but I think it counts).

There's nothing wrong with wanting to make a good impression. We're women and we want to stun. Just sometimes. Just once in a while, be the cutest thing in the room. Be seen on your boyfriend's arm and give him status. Let him feel like he's on top of the world for the night too.

Makeup is such a complicated topic. Looks, beauty in general, really. Especially for girls. On one hand, we want to be confident in our own skin and have self-esteem. On the other hand, we're ugly.

No I mean of course we're not ugly I just mean we're not that pretty oh my gods. Like maybe five of us are that pretty.

I look really good when I have time to do a cute outfit, or when I have time to do my hair, or when I've done my make-up. There are mornings I wake up and I'm like a six or a seven. Objectively speaking, if I were to try really hard, I could get to eight and a half, and I'm proud of it considering my weight.

I don't know the details of this particular event, but it struck a chord with me. It was a few years ago, and Demi Lovato did some photo shoot. I like Demi a lot – her voice is amazing and she's gorgeous.

She was wearing a really provocative dress out in the cold, and all of the men in the shoot were bundled up. Feminists were outraged – look at the patriarchy, forcing women to go out into the cold like that!

Except she chose the dress herself. She thought she looked sexy in it, and decided to wear it despite the cold. She was really indignant about the whole thing and shamed feminists.

Feminism shouldn't be only if you're ugly.

I say again.

Feminism shouldn't be only if you're ugly.

Pretty girls should also flaunt their bodies. Hot girls should also wear whatever they want.

It struck me because girls are all trying to be prettier (unless they're feminists) and then feminists won't let them reach that pinnacle. I hate it.

I hate the way women treat each other. Not just gossip – that sort of thing is actually normal and fine by me. I get being jealous of hotter girls. I'm jealous of hotter girls sometimes, or I used to be.

But it's not okay to talk about body positivity and leave out the girls who are actually beautiful.

I know, we're all beautiful, blah blah. But don't forget about the girls who actually are, naturally, “I wake up like this” beautiful.

They never get asked to the dance (:

Good morning!

I still have a cough from two Fridays ago, and tomorrow's my first day off since two Wednesdays ago. Do I have walking pneumonia? Is that how you even spell that?

The girls at work and I figured out a sort of okayness. I don't boss them around and they try to partner with me on projects so I can learn things and have a hand in them. It's working so far, and they're seeming to respect me a little more since I put my foot down.

Today my boss is coming home from vacation and we're going to have a talk about everything that happened. I don't remember how much about the first few days I wrote down. It didn't go very well. Lots of callouts. I didn't get my day off. The girls were disobeying me.

After that she didn't speak to me until – well it hasn't really happened yet. She's pretty upset about a couple things, I guess. I don't know what I did wrong, but that's not always a good way to present yourself when you're in trouble. Better to know what you did wrong and already have put things in place to prevent it from happening again.

On a side note, I just took a typing speed test and learned that I type at 70 WPM. That's pretty fast, a quick google search told me. Maybe if I get fired today I can become a typist. My boyfriend gave me a wonderful new keyboard a few months ago, that I haven't been home to really use much since I got this job. But it types so smooth and maybe I could use it (:

What do you guys want to hear about today? I'm writing to alleviate my anxiety about the possibility of actually getting written up today. Maybe if I do my makeup I won't cry.

I have been really stressed out about a lot of things the past few weeks. Do you guys ever get so stressed out that you'd genuinely feel guilty if you unloaded it onto someone? So you try to bottle it up, but that only makes it worse.

I didn't expect getting into this team to be so difficult. But I should keep in mind that we made our targets a good chunk of the week, and the store didn't burn down, and no one closed early or opened late. Isn't that a good job for a new assistant?

Oh!! I never told you guys about my last job. Do you mind? Not a really political topic although there are some funny politically charged topics.

Well it's not technically my last job, but it's my last job like this one. It's called The Body Shop, and I'm sure you've gotten it confused with Bath and Body Works before, because everyone has.

I was only 19 when I got hired there, so I was pretty young, but the girls were all pretty young. We were an amazing team. I was hired as a PTAM, a Part-Time Assistant Manager. Level 3 in the hierarchy, below the Assistant Store Manager and the Store Manager. It was only part time, but it was 12.50/hr, and back then that was okay money.

The girl who hired me was amazing, and she taught me a lot about sales and people and management. She taught me everything I know, along with her Assistant. They were a great team. So far, I'm not doing a good job getting there with my new boss.

I was one of two with my job title, so the four of us ran the store. Everyone was great with coaching and before I knew it I had the best KPI's on the team. I made the most money. I had the most clients. I made everything so much fun, and I learned how to do makeup and use skincare.

Up until then I didn't think I was particularly pretty. My face is really round and I have a lot of scarring from my acne, and my eyelashes aren't very pronounced and my nose is sort of big. But I have some pretty features, like my eyebrows are really full and my lips are poofy because they're from my dad's side.

But when I started learning all this stuff and treating my acne and using cosmetics, my confidence went through the roof. I was married at the time so it's not like I suddenly started going on dates, but going out in public wasn't so hard for me anymore. I even lost some weight that summer (I'm also not very thin, but not fat, but also not that amazingly sexy thing in between).

I just have my moments.

Anyway, my job was to coach the sales associates, to help customers find skincare that works for them, and to help with the operational side of the business.

It was amazing. It's heartbreaking that it had to end and I don't even want to talk about how it did. But it did. My husband was even nice to me while I was there sometimes, I think because I was growing a little.

I want that here but I don't think I'll find it. These girls are called Keyholders, not assistant managers, but they act like they run the place. She's given out too much responsibility to them, and they have no need of my leadership and therefore no need to partner with me. She texts them direction without including me – this place texts a lot – and I get confused about what everyone's working on.

She doesn't have control over their phone use and they're constantly on it to do Social Media posts, that we're responsible for instead of helping customers. I wish they would ask permission to get on their phones and do things, and I wish we checked that they're finished and then they put their phones away. I don't think anyone should ever have their phones on the sales floor.

There's never any coaching and these sales associates have zero energy or enthusiasm. There's way too much going on on the computer and never enough going on on the floor.

I don't think this is my dream job, but I make a ton of money now and I really like money.

I really like money. It helps with a lot of things. It takes a lot of stress away from regular life. I'll need it if I'm going to have a family. I'd like to have a family someday. That was always the plan.

My job at The Body Shop was years ago, but I'm just now getting back on the horse and trying to get back into the corporate world.

I hope I don't get fired today, but if I do, my boyfriend and I have decided to move to Florida (:

I still dream about my job at TBS, I still remember my clients and the people I helped, even the little kids who were just getting acne and needed help, and helping them while their anxious parents watched.

I used to judge girls who wore makeup before I got into that world. I think that's what I'll talk about in my next post.