ConZervative

A young person's perspective on the transition between leftist groupthink and conservative ideals. Also I vent about work. Also I comment on society.

Hi again! Now that I have an entire setup, I can take some time while I'm playing competitive Overwatch and write all night. It lets me sit and think a little longer about what I'm trying to say – which is cool IMO.

I noticed a few months ago that one of my pages had like 60 views. I'm like whoa! Either people like my perspective or some liberal teaching assistant brought it up in class and had everyone write an essay about what kind of safe space they'd need around a girl like me.

So there's a girl I work with – today was her last day at work and she and I were talking about all sorts of stuff because I was pretty bored and had taken care of everything I needed to – who is in a relationship. But she keeps saying things like, “But I don't want a relationship right now.”

I'll explain; she's “friends” with a boy that she sees once or twice a week, that she is sleeping with – and it's exclusive. Or they think it is – or she thinks it is.

Anyway – that's a relationship. I know that because when I said oh, a fuck buddy? She's like no, I mean we're friends, we like spending time together too. Oh, so a relationship then. You see each other, you go out, then you have sex.

There's an entire generation of girls out there who are in relationships. Who say things like, “But I don't really need a relationship right now.”

I talk a lot about it. The girls I work with all complain about boys. Boys don't pay them enough attention, or boys pay them too much attention, or it's the wrong kind, they can't find a boyfriend, they're sleeping with someone but they don't know what he is to them, they're seeing someone but he doesn't want to commit.

So we all know – especially conservatives – why this is happening. Why men are opting out of relationships these days. And I've tried to explain it to the girls at work, usually to no avail.

What did we do through the 70's and 80's that's still resounding through today's culture? We completely tore apart all the rules. For relationships, sex, everything. Which is great! It just has one downside.

We completely tore apart the rules. For relationships. Sex. Everything. We took morality out of relationships. We've convinced ourselves that sex is meaningless, that love is meaningless, that relationships are meaningless. That we should be able to fuck whoever we want and never bear the consequences.

But you can't just opt out of the consequences. If you could, people would do awful things all the time.

I want to write a little about entitlement, and my understanding of it. There's the actual dictionary definition, as in to be entitled to something – to have an entitlement to it, or a right to it. For example, I am entitled to have a relationship with whomever I choose. I am entitled to drink all the soda I own in one night. I'm entitled to my own feelings.

Then there's the other application for it, which is to call someone entitled in a negative context. As if to say, you feel entitled to things I don't want you to actually have/take/be given.

Another word that ties into this is “privilege” which again has a bunch of different senses. To have a privilege is a positive thing – it means that some person or institution has given you an option that isn't necessarily given to others. You might have privileges given to you in school or work for good behavior or exceptional performance. You might have privileges taken away if you misbehaved or required discipline.

So I'm the Assistant Store Manager at where I work. That means that I carry out the instructions of the Store Manager, and I act as the Store Manager if she is not around to give orders. On days when I work with her, she gives me direction and I pass that along to the rest of the workers. On days when I do not work with her, it's up to me to find projects to work on, make sure schedules look good, attend conference calls, and keep the ship sailing smoothly for when she gets back.

Keyholders are there as placeholders, just in case one of us is sick or needs vacation time. They're expected to be capable of everything we are.

So my manager is pretty no nonsense. She's seriously intelligent, and everything she does is calculated. When I met her, I even got the sense that her downtime with us chatting was calculated. Like, she knew that making bonds with her team was important and had set aside time for that sort of thing in her head.

Anyway. I really like her and our store is way more successful than it used to be.

So back to entitlement. We interviewed a new Keyholder a few days before our new SM got here. She's a beautiful black woman with a lot of experience in sales and marketing, and worked for big brand names as well as doing her own thing independently. I pushed for her because during her interview, she basically covered everything I wanted to hear about how to sell properly.

I thought she was going to work out really well, so I recommended her to the new Store Manager, and she did her own interview and liked her perfectly fine. So we hired her.

Things started out really well, but they've gone downhill recently. You have to sign a sheet when you want to use the product in the store (like say I worked at a cosmetics store, and I'd like to use this foundation today, I'd write it down and sign for it and everything) and a manager has to sign off. You can't wear other brands at our store because that would be retarded.

So right off the bat she just doesn't seem to care that the products need to be signed out. I'll just spot her wearing one randomly and I'm like hmm? But do I want to sound all nitpicky? Idk.

Another thing was that she didn't actually use any of these sales skills that she talked about in her interview ... with the actual clients. In sales, you never want to dismiss a client. You don't want to say things like “Okay, well, if you need me, I'll be ...” or “Okay, well, look around ...” That's dismissing them, or saying basically, I am not getting anywhere with you, so I'm going to let you do your own thing and give up. That's the opposite of what our brand stands for. We want to be a part of every client's every moment in the store – not too pushy, but not too evasive either.

We started noticing that if she missed out on a sale or let a customer wander off, when we'd approach her (which is our job) and ask what went wrong with the interaction, (you know, to train her) she'd say something like, “They weren't going to buy anything.” Okay well I mean no, not with that attitude. You can't just judge a customer based on how likely you think they are to buy something. If you do that, you're just a cashier.

Things started to heat up when we hired some more bartenders. I don't know if she felt threatened or what it was, but she started having really not okay interactions with me after that. If she was missing a product and I went to go double check for it, she would say (IN FRONT OF THE FUCKING CUSTOMER) “I just told you, we already checked.” With an attitude.

BITCH MY JOB IS TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE DOING YOUR JOB CORRECTLY. LITERALLY MY JOB DESCRIPTION IS TO DOUBLE CHECK YOUR WORK.

Anyway it went from bad to worse, just with an attitude. It used to be, if I corrected her on something, or asked for something to be done differently, or reminded her that we DON'T MESS WITH THE DISPLAYS OMFG, she'd say something like “I know the rules, I'm just doing this because we don't have much time left,” or “I know the rules, but I'm just going to do this.”

Now it's become, “The rules around here are so tedious.”

And it all sort of came to a head one day when I pulled her aside and said hey, you know, like, not to mess with the displays right? Our boss works really hard on those and she's the only one who really knows how to do it.

She went off about how the standards here are just getting higher and how she is super flexible about her schedule – ?? Like how she has a very open available schedule, and how she feels like she's not getting her due or some shit idk.

You can see where this is going. So like – she might not have meant it this way, but what I heard was, “I meet all these standards, so I really shouldn't have to meet these other ones that I don't like as much.”

What a bitch??

People say that white people are entitled/privileged a lot. But the only people I meet who have ever had this attitude are the other thing.

So I've bitched about my example and been racist – great. But seriously – having entitlements is a positive thing. But for me, taking someone's expectations of you – that they pay you for – and deciding to set your own much lower, is the epitome of entitlement (in its negative sense at least). Thinking that you're entitled to your pay regardless of how hard you work or how well you achieve your goals. That's just ew.

It's been a while since I posted! Been moving in with my boyfriend – new apartment and it's beautiful. Still working this new (still new?) job. I moved much closer to work and now don't have a two hour train ride anymore – which is great for my sleep situation, not as great for the blog.

I'm still here though! I still have a lot to write about, and I still want to post a good amount, especially since I now have a great computer setup and plenty of time on my hands.

There are a lot of new people to tell you guys all about since we got a new Store Manager at work. She's incredible and I definitely can see an improvement in the KPI's already. She's also utilizing me and getting a lot of stuff done.

You guys know I liked my old boss, but it was just a different vibe and not as “GO GO GO.”

Writing this is still a ton of fun, so we're going to get back into the swing of things, like me venting about people I work with, talking about social issues that mean something to me, and generally being depressing over all (:

My divorce finalized, and I bought a couple new bracelets from work to encourage me, which was one of the things that reminded me to start writing again. I had to call my ex husband to ask for his social security number for taxes – his girlfriend picked up. It was an interesting night. I cried my eyes out.

He was drunk and gave me the wrong social security number. A disappointment to the end. Because why not.

I don't even remember the last thing I wrote about! I think it must have been ages ago. What's new with me? Well besides the whole 22 and divorced thing, and moving, not much. It's spring now so I can wear cuter shoes. I'm still pretty unhappy with my weight.

Did I talk to you guys at all about me being obsessed with (and very good at) first person shooters? I play a ton of Overwatch and have a small YT (catch me if you can), but ever since we moved and set up internet here my gameplay has improved a ton.

So what better to vent about than the downstairs neighbor?

So she's black. Nothing wrong with that, seemed nice when she was waving at us from the downstairs porch near the cars. What wasn't nice was that she ran up to the car while we were on our way to work. In judgement-worthy English she starts prattling off about her husband's broken arm or some shit idk. Then how he's in the hospital. I'm like “Hi who the fuck are you.” It's exactly like how people beg at the train station. Sob story. I know what's coming. More talk about the broken leg, herniated disc, fractured something or other. Sigh. Then she goes, where are you heading? Can I ride WITCHU to the train station?

What the actual fuck? This is so trashy. I'm so uncomfortable, and so is my boyfriend in the driver's seat, and I'm late for work. We're like no, sorry, we're headed out and I'm running late. She's holding onto the car window saying “It's just in that direction, oh please, please can I ride WITCHU.”

We're obviously uncomfortable but she doesn't give a shit or (more likely) can't tell.

So we're like fine. Get in. We have to go. The whole three minutes there she's patting my arm and saying shit like “THENK GAWD” or whatever. I'm really angry. Picking up on the social cues of people you're making uncomfortable is really important, and she completely crossed all our very obvious boundaries.

When we got to the train station she got out of the car and completely ignored us after that. But it gets better. They wouldn't let her on the train. The conductor (who was also black) was saying something like “You do this all the time” and the lady was like “NAW, HELL NAW, I HEAV MUNNY IM JEST TWO DOLLAS SHOWAT!” I sound so racist but I don't know else to paint the picture for you guys. Eventually they let her on board. Because you know, fairness and equality or some shit.

Anyway so my boyfriend usually does this cute thing when he drops me off a the station, he'll like wait and wave at the whole train so he waves at me, and sometimes he actually finds me but usually not. This time as soon as I was on the train he bolted, texted me, “Sorry babe, didn't want to have to give her a ride home, doesn't look like they're gonna let her on the train.”

It was so uncomfortable. After that we literally sat down and decided what we'd do if it happened again, but luckily I haven't seen her since. I was starting to doubt whether she was actually a resident until I saw her hanging out one of the downstairs windows.

Rant basically over. TLDR: being poor doesn't give you a right to impose on other people. Also, if you live in my building, you can't be that poor. I pay through the nose and so do you. Budget better.

I'll write more I promise <3 Thanks for reading!

Good morning! I'm on the train into the city. I haven't written in awhile – been trying to travel lighter and go easy on my back. This laptop is small and not super heavy, but along with everything else I already carry it adds up.

There are only a few days until my boss leaves and a new store manager comes on. I'm pretty nervous about that. The keyholder who was giving us crap has disappeared and been terminated for job abandonment so I've gotta get hiring.

I wanted to talk a little about a shirt I saw the other day, and an interaction I had with a girlfriend. My Facebook is full of people from this state who have moderate to severe leftism. My state has moderate to severe leftism.

So the other day I was invited to hang out with my boyfriend's best friend's girlfriend at her condo and watch movies and do girl things. It was actually a lot of fun and I like her and her boyfriend. She ordered Chinese food and we watched some cool movies.

At one point, she invited me to the groupchat for the girlfriends of this friend group, which I didn't know existed but which is super cool. My boyfriend's friend group is pretty big and it'd be cool if all the girlfriends knew each other.

So she was explaining the girls to me and at one point she was talking about one of them and said, “But we don't really talk to her anymore.”

Here we go. “Uh oh – why not?”

“Well she's” – whispers – “a republican.”

GASP “NO.”

I really couldn't believe the conversation I was having. It told me so much about the people in this area of the country.

She was so confident that A) being a republican is bad, B) I certainly couldn't be one and C) it's okay to give out personal details about someone's life that she literally randomly told me she didn't really speak to a girl because of that difference of opinion.

So I did my best to tune these things out. I just said, “OMG, I mean like, even if you are that kind of person, it's not a great idea to go around talking about it.”

And she goes, “I know, it's one thing to have a different opinion, it's another to actually talk about it.”

I'm like, “Ugh, right? Time and place.”

That was all. I had done such a good impression of a shocked leftist learning that some people are evil that we didn't say another word about it.

I don't think she was trying to gauge me at all. She actually didn't have a hint of intention to make me uncomfortable or call me out. She genuinely felt she was safe here, that there were no prying republican ears.

I'm glad no one told her about my political leanings, but if I'm going to be friends with her I think I'll need to take down my party from Facebook.

This interaction just made me nervous. I want to be friends with these people, but I know it will involve a lot of lying. My boyfriend already knows what I think about this stuff, but I don't want it to get out. I'm a good actress and I can pretend to be outraged if I have to, but it's exhausting.

This sort of leads me to my next topic – I saw a girl on Facebook at some kind of rally wearing a shirt that said “Insulin is a human right.”

The sheer amount of stupidity in a post like this astounds me. I would like to work through my thoughts on it here if you don't mind.

Insulin is a human right. It echoes statements made recently by the socialist party in this country, namely Bernie Sanders and his “Healthcare is a fundamental human right.” Housing is a human right, clean water is a human right, jobs are a human right.

No, they're not. Do you have any idea what you're saying?

Say that insulin is a “human right.” What does a human right mean exactly? It means that something belongs to you. Life is a human right because your life belongs to you. Liberty is a human right because your freedom is yours. The pursuit of happiness is a human right because aside from taking away the rights of others, you are entitled to try anything you need to make your life what you want it.

So – insulin belongs to you. You have a right to it. Okay – so now that it's a human right, what do you do? Well, you march up to a drug company, right? And you demand that it hand you the insulin you need. Or you go to the government and you say, I need insulin. I have a human right to insulin, so you need to provide it to me since it's your job to protect my rights.

And then the government goes to the drug company and says, we're taking this person's insulin. The drug company gives it up freely because the government showed up with guns.

So the government steals something that someone else owns and gives it to you. And you're cool with it because instead of the someone else being like you, they own a company instead, or they have a share of the company, or they own stock.

Saying that you have a human right to something means you believe you're entitled to the product and the labor it took to produce it. You will make people work and pay them nothing (or some amount they don't agree to) and take what they made you. Or instead of getting your own hands dirty, you will use the government as a weapon to use against them.

We have a word for that, and it's slavery. We really don't want that here and we tried really hard to eradicate it and it needs to stay away.

Healthcare is a human right. What does that mean?

It either means that A) doctors must treat you at a price they don't agree to if you cannot pay or B) the government must take money away from other people and give it to the doctor and then the doctor can treat you. The first one involves enslaving the doctor and forcing them to provide you with labor against their will, which is abhorrent. The second involves you using money you didn't earn and took away from your fellow citizens to pay the doctor, which is abhorrent but more people are cool with it because you got the government involved and that must make it okay because the government would never do something bad. That's what socialized healthcare is.

If your first instinct is “But what if the person's situation is bad, and they need insulin to survive.” Then you're a goodhearted person but you don't understand what you're advocating for. You genuinely want to help people and be good to them – but that doesn't make stealing other people's money okay. Good intentions cannot be your justification for violating someone's liberty.

My dad has diabetes and used insulin for a long time. When it became too expensive, he went on a diet designed to minimize his need for it. He hasn't needed any for a few years now. Never once did he try to claim he was entitled to the product of someone else's work. And if this changed your mind at all about whether I have the grounds to be making moral claims about the situation, you should reanalyze that, because again, it's a slippery slope when someone's situation makes you rethink your sense of right and wrong.

Good morning! I'm on the train into work and it's freezing here. Even on the train I'm putting my jacket over my legs. I don't do well in the cold. I'm happy when there's sunshine and I'm sad when there isn't.

Did I tell you guys my boss quit a few days ago? I think I mentioned it. Anyway, the schedule for the next few weeks is going to be hectic, but it looks like they already have someone in mind for the job. I hope she's good and likes me and my vision for the store we're going to run.

But this could be an opportunity to get some new blood in here and make real change. Our store could be unbelievably successful with the right leadership. I love my boss, but this was her first time as a SM and she was too lenient in my opinion. Maybe the next girl will be less up for nonsense like call outs and no shows and girls who are disrespectful. My boss had her team and she didn't make a point of helping me integrate, and it caused a ton of tension. This girl will demand that I be treated with respect.

Yesterday there was a snowstorm so my boss and I sat in the store looking at memes and laughing a ton. We talked about how maybe fifty percent of the girls we'd hired did things like not show up for shifts, not finish their work, take a “15” but then sit downstairs for 20 minutes. Push the limits.

And how the girls we've taken to hiring now are so readily hardworking, so readily respectful and punctual and who already know the etiquette. I don't have to tell them to be here on time. Being here on time is part of their lives already. My boss worked last night with one of the new girls and instead of the usual texts I get, like “Ugh, I had to show her how the drawers need to look like five times,” I'm hearing, “OMG I love this girl.”

All the girls we've hired save one are really blowing me away. Maybe I've learned what to look for. But in my last posting about race and hiring, where I talked about it more, I pointed out that culture is a huge part of it.

I need to find girls with a good work ethic. Maybe I should talk a little about what that is and how it presents itself and why employers look for it.

When I was younger, one of the first terms I can ever remember my dad trying to teach me was work ethic. Loosely described, someone's work ethic is how we talk about and measure their willingness and desire to be useful and industrious, regardless of reward.

The kind of people who actively try to be valuable players in their field. The people who behave as though the working world is a competitive place and they want to compete and do well. The ones who maybe got a job because they needed the money, but also because being without work makes them feel sluggish and unhappy.

When I started my last job this spring, I technically didn't need one, but I liked to have money. At the time, I thought maybe if I had more funds my husband might want me back. Even though he'd been without a job for almost two years and I was the one who suggested he start looking for the fancy job he has now. Edited his resume and found him the right numbers. Talked him through the commute. Insisted he get new clothes for the interview.

So I was living at home and I wanted to work. I needed something to occupy my time. I couldn't stand just sitting at home all day with everyone banging on my door.

After I met my boyfriend and my confidence started to build up again as I put together a savings account and started to think about the future, I realized I could get a job in the city since I live so close to the train station. I was wanting to move out and rent a room in the city for a while but I couldn't afford it at this job.

So I started looking and I found this one, and now between the two of us we can afford a small place.

I have always had a good work ethic, and I know how to make myself valuable on a team. On a selling team, it's possible to do this if you generally have good numbers, or if you train others very well. I do both of these. I also minimize the things that might make me less useful. I'm not the most beautiful so I try to keep things stylish. I wear and use any products and items that I want to become good at selling. I am short so I make sure to wear heels. I have a quiet voice so I practice projections. I'm aware of my weaknesses and negate them with whatever I can.

The thing that makes me most desirable as an employee though is my open availability. Days, nights, weekends, holidays, I have no problem getting here or staying here until the work is done. Another candidate may be more qualified or ask for less pay, but they also might not be able to be here when you need them. Might not be willing to cover extra shifts. Might not be willing to do a double when needed.

So a lot of girls we've tried to hire prove immediately that they have a poor work ethic. They are unprofessional (that's an easy way to tell) in that they do not create open lines of communication. They randomly tell us they're busy today and won't be coming to work, or just don't show up at all. On the flipside, the rest of the girls are communicative, polite, respectful, and wouldn't dream of just not showing up for a shift.

A poor work ethic gets you exactly what you actually want: no job. I just wish people who didn't want a job didn't waste my time applying for one.

I recommend getting a good work ethic. It'll help you in literally anything you want to do in life. Of course, we don't really know yet if this part of the personality is malleable or if you need to develop it by an early age. If the former, it is probably closely associated with industriousness, which is a personality trait that often comes with being conscientious. Maybe you can't just conjure that up. Maybe you're lucky if you get it.

I do think that nature has a huge part to play in our upbringing and how we turn out. Nature vs. nurture is an old argument but I believe two sides to the same coin.

Still, if you don't have a good work ethic, I recommend faking it a while. For a day, just pretend that you're a hard worker who delights in things being done and done well. Act as if your job is important to you and that you take pride in it. Treat your coworkers as though you respect them and want the best for them. If you like how the day turns out, try it for a week. Watch your life unfold.

I want to talk about being happy, and why I think I'm high in neuroticism. And how I don't really feel happy except sometimes. And why I think maybe I'm doing life all wrong.

I said a few weeks ago that I have had a good life and I'm very lucky – and this is true. I have had a blessed life and I'm grateful for it. One of the downsides of never having to overcome anything, however, is that I don't know how to overcome anything.

One of the things my ex husband used to do was try to quantify and compare our pains. He had had a terrible life and reminded me of it every time I asked him to do anything for me. Like he thought the universe owed him something. Maybe it does. Maybe I did.

Things he did hurt my feelings, like when he refused to make eye contact with me, or when he would disappear for days, or tell me I was bringing up the past just because I asked him the same question twice and got different answers.

My world fell out from under me on a weekly basis. I cried every day many times. But he had been through more than me. He didn't care because my world must have looked so nice compared to his. I think he hated me sometimes. Because I was so lucky. Because my family loved me, and my jobs were pretty successful, and I was beautiful. He made it pretty clear that he detested me.

I should be happy.

I hear that a lot. I ought to feel something. I ought to be able to put these things behind me. Why can't I just get over it and be grateful.

Some people break at an early age and they're tempered. I cry from time to time and I don't mind, because I don't want to kill myself anymore and that's all I dreamed of being is so happy I don't want to fucking die anymore. But it's never enough for anyone. I'm happy to be alive.

My ex is the only one in the world who could see who I am now for the miracle it is. I'm just a normal girl who cries sometimes to the rest of the world. But he could only see this miracle because he broke me so hard. No one else can see me. No one else knew me. We're the only ones who could be proud.

He ruined me for every man. To him I'd seem like a cheery soul like I feel. Happy, content, able to cope with my pain. My ever-present pain. My nightmares and my doubt and my uncertainty just normal pieces in anyone's life. I'm happy to deal with them. I'm lucky to have made it out at all. The only thing I could possibly bring him now is joy. The only thing I can bring anyone else now is despair.

But not all of me made it out. I'm still looking for approval and everything I left behind. That I can't find because no one can see me. No one sees me they just see me as I am now. Not all of me. Not my journey. No one else was there. There's no one to be proud of me.

I don't know what to do.

Being neurotic means you have a harder time overcoming negative emotions and focusing on the positive. It means that the bad things in your life will make you more upset than the good things will make you happy. I'm proud of how far I've come through hard times and I cry maybe a tenth as often. I'm fine with it.

But I was so sad that maybe this is still undesirable. Maybe I've come so far that my agony has turned to a quiet pain but still the only one who would want such a sad person is the one who made me sad.

I just don't think there's happier in the cards for me. And that's okay with me. But I think this is as far as I go on this road. Even meeting and falling in love with the perfect man didn't bring me back to life all the way. No one's gonna want me half dead. Except maybe whoever killed me. I think this is where I'll stand now; I've grown a lot and I like where I am. I like where I stand and I'm lucky to be here. And it's enough for me.

I just posted that other post from today but I wrote that a few weeks ago. I stopped carrying this laptop with me on the train rides just because it was getting heavy. A lot has happened.

The girl who has been giving me trouble at work called out three days in a row but not according to company policy(she did it over text), and then she informed us that she would be putting in her notice when she returned to work. We started to scout for her position but no notice was forthcoming. Next time I saw her she was acting very confused and very polite to me which is nice, but said there was actually no need to give her notice as things were all taken care of now.

You can't do that. You can't make us think you're not going to be here, throw us into a panic, and then say nevermind. That's not how it goes in the workforce. Once you've said you're out you're out. Take your two weeks and go.

Our DM is being really hesitant and seems unsure of what to do. Technically she did call out for her shifts, but she did text us instead of calling, and we acknowledged the texts. Ideally there would be a record of all these infractions, but because we didn't keep one, we can't just turn around and fire her now. She doesn't even have an official written warning I don't think.

My boss really dropped the ball with it or something. Now she's asking the DM what he will do, and he's a bit confused. She screwed up her entire week, made us not rely on her anymore, and gave what we assumed was two weeks notice, and then rescinded it.

This has to be cause for something.

So that's the basics. It's actually a much longer story but that'll have to work for now.

I met a repulsive lady on the train a few days ago – well, I ride with her all the time I've just never spoken to her until now. Mid to late fifties, tangle of graying hair, not ugly just giving off that vibe that she is ignoring the fact that she's aging.

You can tell she's a liberal because every time she comes across anyone who is non-white or seems sexually deviant, she walks up to them and starts complimenting them on this or that or asking about their life. It seems really racist to me.

The entire ride to work I listened as she drilled this young immigrant from Italy about her life, her job, her kid, this, that, the other thing, advice advice advice, praise praise praise.

The moment I realized she didn't much care about this immigrant though was after the girl had explained what it was like being an accountant. She was an accountant in Europe and now working on getting licensed here. She talked about it like she liked it and I was happy for her.

“What about being a lawyer?” I don't know if this woman genuinely thinks those are similar professions, or was just trying in a patronizing way to have some influence on this girl's life, but she was met with hesitant laughter like why would you ask me if I want to be a lawyer? I trained and got my degree in accounting.

This bothered me a lot, but what got to me was that on our way off the train, this young man on the platform wearing a lot of makeup. I honestly didn't notice him just because he wasn't very attractive, and perhaps I did think he was a girl.

This lady waltzes straight up to him and loudly goes, “I just wanted to tell you that you look amazing! Really amazing, honestly!”

Now every eye is trained on him and everyone definitely notices now that he is a he, and wearing makeup and trying to look like a girl. And from her overbearing attention, someone trying to blend in is not allowed. I never would have noticed him. Probably no one would have.

I just detested her.

She also kept telling stories about a young person she knew who was a “Trumper.” I don't really like titles, but I listened while she moaned about how could someone so young be a Trumper and all that. I almost spoke up but that would have been stupid.

I'm getting tired of it. I need to move south or something.

Speaking of moving, we applied for an apartment this week, and the lady says she's going to keep us in mind for it, like we're the ones she likes best! It's adorable and I could finally get out of this house.

Another day at work gone – I'm having a hard time with this commute. I think I might buy one of those things people use to sleep on the train or something. I'm not getting enough sleep by a long shot.

But I like this blog, and I like writing, and I like feeling important when I get a table and take out my laptop as if I'm working on something important ^–^

But my days are blurring together. I wake up, get on the train, get on the subway, get to work, leave work, get on the subway, get on the train, get home, go to bed, wake up, repeat.

Because it's usually an 8 or nine hour day with another 2 hours of commute on each side. No real sleeping in. My days off are becoming the thing holding me onto sanity. I really don't think I can keep it up anymore.

It's not that it's hard work but I can't keep track of my days anymore.

So tonight I'm going out to get a hot cocoa, and then I'm staying the night with my boyfriend, and then I'm going home and probably sleeping the rest of the day away, and doing a mudmask, and possibly a clay mask on my shoulders.

Last night when I got home I was venting to my dad and he was helping me come up with deflections for this girl at work who is giving me trouble, and I used some of them today and I have to say they're helping. I stood my ground and didn't let her boss me around and I responded to her delegations as if they were suggestions. She still pushed it a lot, but I feel I'm getting to a place that I can put my foot down.

I just really hope I don't get fired. I like this job and I make decent money.

We should probably talk about pay and wages and why we don't discuss them in the workplace, and how pay is determined.

One of the girls we tried out was talking about pay her entire first shift, to another girl of the same job title. She goes, “Well, you know how we make twelve dollars?”

Wtf?? It's not that she was discussing her own pay – although that's bad enough – but she was assuming that the person she was talking to made the same amount.

It's seriously bad form, but this topic is conflicting for me. As a citizen, I believe that everyone should be allowed to talk about how much they make.

But as an employee and a manager, my beliefs are all over the place.

The part that stumps me is when I remember that “how much I make” is actually not just a one person decision. Two entities go into that decision, and I really don't think it's appropriate for either party to disclose the details of a deal without the other one's approval.

I make a lot more than any of the other people at the store. Like a lot. If any of the keyholders found out how much I made – with the exception of the new key who is really nice and mature – they'd quit here and now. They'd feel betrayed.

Now I earn it. I make a lot of improvements and I'm a hard worker and I deserve every penny I make and more. I happen to think that the keyholders are pretty lazy and entitled and they're used to having the run of the place. They stay late without asking, don't bother taking breaks – gah. I can't keep venting about them.

I would never share my pay with anyone in the workplace. The only people who can access it are above me, and that's how it needs to stay.

Because what goes into pay? We don't pay everyone the same amount for the same duties, because pay is a contract, and some people haggle better. Pay isn't just “here's how much I'll pay you for this work.” It's also, “And here's how much I'll pay you to make sure you don't steal, and here's how much I'll pay you to not quit after a few months because the employees are a pain.”

And also, “Here's how much I'll pay because you have experience in other fields I may find useful and you're promotable but the promotion isn't available at the moment but I want someone I can easily place in that role but I'm not going to tell you about it just yet because I'm technically not hiring for that position.”

Also, “Here's how much I'll pay you because you happened to apply during a time of need and we need someone today” as opposed to “I have a lot of people to choose from so take it or leave it.”

Also, “Well we have a new District Manager who is more strict about pay and so unfortunately I can't offer you as much as I offered the other person who is also going to be doing the same work as you.”

Also, “Here's how much I am going to pay you because I think you will be decent at this job, as opposed to how much I'd pay if I were confident you will be excellent at this job.”

And these are all fair.

So here's what I believe – companies should be able to have their own policies in place about contracts with their employees, and the open marketplace will tell us which is a better business model.

I gave the rest of my cash to a homeless person today.

I run into a lot of those, although they don't usually approach me. Once in a while though. A few months ago a woman sitting by the side of the road was begging from me, but when I gave her some money she asked me to go to an ATM and get her more.

I hated that very much and I stopped giving money away after that. That was so ungrateful.

A man just walked by in a bunny suit. It had a tale. And a hood and ears. He has a beautiful singing voice.

Anyway. I'm sitting at the train station waiting on a very very late train, and a woman was walking around begging. A boy near me gave her change, and she thanked him and moved on. So when she approached me and I knew she wouldn't be that way, I gave her the rest of my cash.

I felt good about it too. I genuinely do get a feeling that is nice after giving something to someone. I know it's right, and I know it will benefit them, and it's not like I need four ones. I get paid in the morning.

Conservatives actually give a lot more to charity, despite being the ones who are against socialized platforms and the welfare state. This is because while we believe in the duty of mankind to help those less fortunate, we don't believe that this should be forced on anyone else's way of life (for the most part), or that it should be up to anyone besides us how large or small our charities are.

Nothing is free. If you receive benefits from the government, then you're spending money that was taken forcibly from other people around you. Because of this, even after the one time I was fired when I was younger and still married, I never filed for unemployment. There were other factors, but I never believed that taking money that was taken from anyone else was a good thing. So I didn't. I made it work and found another job asap.

So once in a while I take out my wallet and I give away my cash to someone who needs it. I know you can't really tell these days if someone needs it, but I try not to be too suspicious.

But that woman who asked me if I had more money, and when I said I didn't asked me if I'd go to an ATM and get her some – she was either touched in the head or the most worthless POS I've ever met. I truly despised that that happened. It ruined a lot of interactions with me.

So I wanted to talk about noticing patterns some more. Stereotypes.

So, stereotypes exist for a reason. They are a low resolution representation of many data points. They are an abstraction of many people. They will be the most striking characteristics that most of a group of people have, all combined into one character.

They are not intended to indicate that you believe all people who have a certain skin color, or a certain combination of chromosomes, act a certain way. They are a way for us to communicate about large groups of people. Especially if we disapprove of one of the main characteristics that they show.

For example; a steroptype about women is that we are shallow. This is a logical conclusion from the perspective of men, considering that we tend to be preoccupied with our looks and many of us gossip about each other.

A stereotype about men is that they are avoidant of commitment. This is a logical conclusion for women to come to as men typically have more sexual partners and have an easier time with casual sex.

A stereotype about black people is that they are criminals. Considering that even though they are only 15% of the population they commit about 50% of the crimes, this isn't surprising. But another stereotype is that they can cook well, and that's just because it seems they pass along that sort of knowledge better than white people. I'm obsessed with southern food and even though I can't have much spice, I would much rather have dinner over a black family's house than a white one, all else being equal.

A stereotype about white people is that they're racist. Considering our history with owning black people, it doesn't surprise me. I wish that since this isn't true anymore and no white person owns slaves, this would have started to die out. I also wish people would remember that before we owned slaves, everyone in Africa owned everyone else in Africa. I vaguely remember some story about Egyptians owning a lot of slaves, I think I read about it somewhere.

A stereotype about Asians is that they are very intelligent, especially in things like mathematics. Considering that as a group they tend ot score higher in school in the sciences, and that most of our favorite technology comes out of Asia, this isnt surprising.

Ok, so fine, but stereotypes are harmful.

So, I can imagine that a hiring manager who stereotypes people can influence them in a harmful way by not seeing them and making judgements about their skin color or gender. This is called racism and sexism, and fortunately it doesn't happen as often as it used to.

Here's my problem. People should be allowed to make stereotypes, and believe things about groups of people. People should be allowed to believe what they believe. Besides, you can't tell people what to believe. You can only make it illegal for them to act in accordance with their beliefs. It's not a good idea to force people to act in a way they don't believe, except in cases where their beliefs take away other people's rights.

In cases like child marriage, that's great. You're taking away this person's right to liberty, and so you should not be able to exercise this belief.

In cases of who you want to rent your house to, though, I have to say no. They have no right to your service or your land, and you should make judgements based on what you like. It's your land.

I wouldn't advocate for making judgements about someone based on their physical characteristics, but you should be allowed to.

Just like I wouldn't advocate for keeping all of your money and never giving anything away, but you should be allowed to.

And people will find out that you discriminate, and then no one will rent from you, and then you'll have to stop discriminating.

The market doesn't discriminate.

I cried a lot this morning. After work yesterday too. That hot chocolate helped though – I need me another one of those sometime soon.

I've been thinking I'm going to have to look for another job soon. But first I have to try my best to get things taken care of with this keyholder. Today I'm going to find some time to have a conversation with her. I don't know how it will go because I've never done this before. But I know what I'm unhappy about and I know what I want her to change for me, and I just need to tell her that.

I'm very upset with the dynamic between us and I need her to defer to my judgement and bring me into the loop before we call my boss. It's hugely disrespectful to both of us if every time there's a problem she runs to my boss and leaves me out of it. It upset me and it's frankly unprofessional.

I'm also not cool with being delegated to anymore. I'm done with training and I know what was to be done and I'll let her know which parts of what needs to be done are going to be up to her. If she sees something that's not being done and needs to get done, she can suggest it and bring it up to my attention – not delegate it to me or ask me to take care of it.

She's going to start treating me like I'm the ASM, which means she treats me like I'm the SM if the SM is out of the business. If my boss isn't here, I'm the boss.

She's going to start communicating to me the things that she's working on and the things she wants to change, and the things she's instructed a sales associate to do. That's starting today.

I am not answerable to her the same way she is answerable to me. She can respectfully ask questions but it's not for her to fight me every time I make my own decisions. I need her on board with me so that when my boss is out of the business things run smoothly for when she gets back.

Many hours and some tears later

Well today didn't go the way I wanted it to, but it went pretty much how I thought it would. She fought me on a bunch of stuff, I did my best to stand my ground, the stuff got done eventually.

That's just about it. FML